What Are the Biggest Blockages to Men Doing This Healing Stuff?

People come into the area of getting healing with all sorts of prejudices and fears, some of which do tilt towards genders. It demands no stretch of the imagination to see how a great many men have struggled and do still struggle with the idea of going inside themselves and unlocking, seeing, feeling, and talking about the deeper stuff of life, particularly their own personal histories.

There are all sorts of fears that corrupt the therapy/self-therapy process for many men, many of these same fears afflict others, too, not just men.

1.     Feelings. I don’t think it requires some giant rehash that we’re all already familiar with to simply say that men have been taught forever that feelings are weak, feelings are for girls, and you should just stuff feelings down and power through life. It ain’t pretty, but it’s true. This is what boys have been taught, often just as much by mothers as by fathers, oddly enough. As a result, a fear has built up in a lot of men, not just because they fear being perceived by others as weak and being perceived by that inner antagonizing voice of their childhood conditioning (from parents and culture) as weak, but also they fear feelings because if they’ve grown up in that mentality that means they also have no practice at feeling things. It’s virgin territory, which makes it disorienting and scary, because they just don’t know how to do it. So now, something that already has a stigma around it (‘feelings are weak and if you feel feeling you’re weak’) has added to it the feelings of not being proficient at it, which bumps into another definition of manhood that still hangs on, ‘Men are what they do.’ Thus, if a man cannot ‘do,’ he is less of a man. It’s a ding on his identity and ego. So, to not have the ability to do something, in this case do feelings (or to feel like you’re failing at something or are disoriented when trying something) only adds to the dislike for the experience of therapy and/or self-therapy.

2.     Victim Mentality. I believe what has happened in Western culture, more specifically the U.S. is that the definitions of masculinity have been evolving rather rapidly, over the past few decades, and been met by an understandable and, perhaps, necessary balancing voice against them. The evolving definitions allow for a more complex and nuanced understanding of masculinity, while the older version holds fast to the need for strength and toughness, at all costs; damn the nuance. As a result, there’s been such a build-up of loathing against perceived weakness that there also has been a build-up of stigma around the idea of someone else bearing any measure of responsibility for where you stand in life. This “Woe is me. Poor me! Poor me” life view, as they see it, is the ugliest of societal rot, because it encourages helplessness and the very seeking of handouts and a free ride they despise.

3.     Wallowing. Hand in hand with the victim mentality is the fear of wallowing. Many folks, not just men, fear that if I open up to the pain, I’ll get stuck in it and will end up wallowing in it. But, generally they won’t use the word ‘stuck,’ but will use ‘wallowing,’ which has a much more pejorative, negative connotation. In other words, they don’t like the perception. They fear that this work of going into the deeper stuff and allowing up the feelings, as well as uncovering the core, BS beliefs you’ve been taught about yourself will lead to them being stuck in the feelings, which will lead to them being perceived as weak and a pussy (and, yes, for many men that does mean that they fear being seen as a woman or little girl, who can’t just toughen up, pack that sh*t down, and power through).

 4.     Blaming. Similarly, many men, old and young, fear being perceived as caught up in a mentality that does not take ownership of one’s present lot in life, as that would be considered weak. While the old understanding of masculinity hates the idea of young people blaming others for their lot in life and wanting a handout, as a result, the folks of that old understanding are all too happy to blame that same young generation for the very decay of society. But, all irony aside, many men fear being seen as blaming someone for their own depression, anger, sadness, misfortune, losses, or what have you. For, that would be an indicator of weakness and not manly. This can make therapy quite tricky. I explain to clients who get stuck in this fear that every problem has a source, every effect has a cause. If you do not drill down to the root cause, any solution you create will be a half-solution, doomed to fail. It’s like the X-Men series of superhero movies had X-Men Origins, originally planned to show the origins of certain Marvel characters; and the Star Wars saga had the prequels to the original. It’s not about blame, but origins of problems. Whether you choose to blame the person or not is a choice, but the origins cannot be denied, once they’re laid out. So, by being fearful of blaming, the client or perhaps you are throwing out the possibility that origin is not some internal flaw in you. By understanding the origins of problems, we can be relieved of the weight of blaming ourselves, which is the ironic result when people are told not to blame others.

 5.     Perception. The real fear underneath all of these is perception, how they’ll be seen, either by those close to them, ‘society,’ or that voice inside of them that is the original antagonist, implanted decades prior. So, it’s not the blaming or feelings themselves, but how they’ll be perceived. Hell, the mere fact that they’re in a therapist’s office, assuming they came voluntarily means they allow for the possibility of conversations about feelings and going into some feelings. Because, every damn person knows that therapy means going into feelings. So, if they’re even in my office, they want to talk about feelings, or at least recognize that their feelings, whether bottled up inside or on the surface and spilling out on loved ones, are part of the problem and need to be dealt with. I mean, is anyone so naïve as to think they can go to therapy and not talk about and get into feelings? The fear is, in part though not entirely, how this therapy stuff gibes with their understanding of their own masculinity but also, more importantly, with society’s understanding of masculinity. They need an out. They need a way for the work of therapy to fit within the broader understanding of toughness, or they need enough pain to have happened in their lives that they’re ready to change their own definition of manhood.

At the root of all of these fears is cowardice – allowing fear to keep you from taking action that your mere presence in the therapist’s office acknowledges is necessary. Or, if you prefer, the very expert you’re paying money to is saying that this feelings work is necessary, but your fears of doing that work are causing you from getting the healing that you’re paying for, in the first place. Your fear is driving your inaction. That is literally the working definition of cowardice.

What really is a Badass?

When you name your business ‘Badass Counseling,’ it’s pretty clear what sort of person you are and what the counseling is going to be like, or so it would seem. My girlfriend, who built an extraordinarily successful business in Manhattan, NYC, over 25 years, with over 2500 employees globally at her peak, advised me very strong – very, very strongly, actually – against naming my company ‘Badass Counseling,’ thinking it was a horrible idea, going absolutely counter to what people expected and wanted from counseling. That’s how clear the word ‘badass’ is and how much it had the power to corrupt the very counseling practice and process I was incorporating.

I chose the name badass because to be a real badass means that you’ve done the healing work to give yourself permission to be all of you authentically. That means you allow yourself to feel whatever you authentically feel, moment to moment. Your feelings, or that which you allow yourself to express, are not defined by arbitrary definitions of your manhood or identity set in place by someone other than yourself. To me, that doesn’t seem very strong to allow someone else to define what or who you should be or how you should act in any given situation. That’s not badass to just be tough all the time. That’s someone living by another person’s definition of who they should be. That’s a tool. A true badass just allows themself to be, do, feel, and express whatever the hell they want in any given moment, regardless of what all the other tools in the tool bag say. That’s a man, at least as I see it. That’s strength. That’s courage. The courage to be authentic, when you’re surrounded by tools telling you what you should be. That’s a badass.

This is precisely the (what I believe to be) logical framework that I give men (and a whole lot of other tough folks), enabling them to think outside the box and enter into the feelings conversation and work.

As an aside, my girlfriend, not long later, fully admitted how wrong her judgment was in the naming of my company. She understood how the stark juxtaposition of the two terms ‘badass’ and ‘counseling’ were the perfect mix for people who were seeking something different, something fresh, something effective in a new way from the counseling experience.

The Deeper Fear of Being Overwhelmed and/or it Never Ending

It has been my experience that, while perception is undeniably a massive issue for many men, when it comes to whether or not to fully engage in counseling there is a far greater fear. This fear knows no gender boundary, however. It’s the near-universal fear of being overwhelmed by all of it – all of the memories, yes, but especially all of the feelings that they know are buried down deep inside. For, it’s those memories and attached emotional charges that storm up on them when they’re alone or in a calm place. It’s the very stuff they, like you, have been running from their entire lives, whether by over-working, constantly staying busy and distracting, drinking, gambling, or any number of other ways of stuffing the memories and feelings down.

It's that overwhelmed-ness that would lead to the wallowing, ongoing victim mentality, and weakness they so fear. One leads to the other. One is the cause, the other the effect which leads to the price of internal torture and the external shaming, or perceived external shaming, from peers or society. So, therapy, feelings, and the like become the third rail of manhood.

Until.

Your soul will win. Your willpower can push you and push you through all manner of life struggles, helping you to bottle up bad memories and pain, helping you to be productive and acceptable in the eyes of a judging society, but that which accumulates in a soul that longs to be free will have its day. In the battle between the will and the soul, the soul always wins. It will chew you up on the inside, because it longs to be free. It longs to have the afflictions beset upon it, over the decades, finally faced, head-on, sorted out and extracted. The soul will drag your ass down into it, into depression or up into a hyper-speed anxiety leading to explosion and the natural crushing that follows. For, it is only when you are broken and still that you will be forced to face the memories and pain of the soul that need to be dealt with.

Those whom the gods would destroy

They first make proud.

-Tacitus, Roman historian and politician

Call it the Universe, the gods, God, the soul, or what you like, the point is that we must be taken down from our self-inflation, not because will is bad, but because it is only when we cannot do it on our own anymore that we finally are open to facing the very things keeping us from our fullest and most authentic selves. What Tacitus didn’t say, or recognize, is that the gods destroy us to break us open for us to finally face the sh*t of our past, our lives, and life itself, so that we may finally have calm that does not scare us and joy that comes from within.

 Journaling Exercise

1.     How many of these preconceptions do you hold, regardless of your gender? How might they be blocking you in your own work, whether with a therapist or in self-help?

2.     Who taught you these preconceptions? More importantly, do you personally actually agree with the ones you’ve been carrying around your whole life, or do you find that you no longer agree with them?

3.     If you’re a therapist, healer, psychologist, or clergyperson, which biases do you hold toward men? How might your own biases be adversely impacting your counseling setting, potentially further driving men either away or into themselves?

4.     If you’re a woman, do you carry some of these preconceptions and how were they conveyed to you?

5.     If you’re a man, are you ready to become more balanced in your belief system? Whose belief system do you need to let go of?

Please feel free to check out my free online moderated community, Badass Counseling Group, on Facebook. But, if you long for a closer community that’s more committed to next-level growth, direct access to me — Sven, and more excellent resources for transformation to greater ALIVENESS, go to www.badasscounseling.com and click on CMTY-PLUS! It’s what you’ve been waiting for!

Thanks for reading.

HAVE A KICKASS DAY!

-- Sven Erlandson, MDiv, Is The Author Of Seven Books, Including 'Badass Jesus: The Serious Athlete And A Life Of Noble Purpose' And 'I Steal Wives: A Serial Adulterer Reveals The REAL Reasons More And More Happily Married Women Are Cheating.' He Has Been Called The Father Of The Spiritual But Not Religious Movement After His Seminal Book 'Spiritual But Not Religious' Came Out 15 Years Ago, Long Before The Phrase Became Part Of Common Parlance And Even Longer Before The Movement Hit Critical Mass. He Is Former Military, Clergy, And NCAA Head Coach For Strength And Conditioning; And Has A Global Counseling/Consulting Practice with offices In NYC, NJ, And Stamford, CT: BadassCounseling.Com