The Quest for MORE! When All You’ve Ever Wanted Isn’t Enough

In 1986, Rabbi Harold Kushner came out with a book, When All You’ve Ever Wanted Isn’t Enough, that would go on to be a NY Times Bestseller and win awards.

I recall it fondly, because it had an orienting effect on my own life. I bumped into it in 1987 when I had left the US Air Force Academy after two years of study there. I was considering entering the ministry, as my father and four uncles had (and not one person would’ve ever thought that was something I would do, based on my hellion personality), but was coming under immense pressure from brothers, my father (a bit, as he discouraged me from entering ministry; see hellion reference), society and other sources to “get a job, maybe go into sales,” “find a career,” and become an earner.

What Kushner’s book did for me (as did a few others), at that time, was reinforce the notion that it was okay, and in fact necessary for happiness itself to live a life of purpose, not merely acquisition and doing what is expected. This rabbi, who had counseled some of the richest and most successful (in the NY/NJ/CT Tri-state area), had seen first-hand the ultimate end of those pursuing more for the sake of more, more for the sake of ego, for the sake of achieving/goal setting, and every other drive under the sun. He had seen the unhappiness and unfulfillment that inevitably went along with that course, advocating for a path that involves making a difference, accepts that pain is part of life, and values being over winning.

It was a big deal, a hard deal for me—one that took years—to walk away from all the pressures, mostly from those mentioned, who were all men and then my first wife, to give myself permission to live a life of purpose, as that purpose called to me, step by step. So great was the pressure that standing up and finding my “No!” was no small thing, one that was riddled with quite a bit of doubt.

The Universal Drive

You know what I’m talking about, don’t you? It’s a near-universal experience to feel pushed by those around us, who mostly mean well, to get on the train of achievement, acquisition, movement, climbing, and doing more. It’s not just a pursuit of money, per se, but an orientation to all that is outside of you – money, things, toys, titles, vacations, dinners out, mates, sex, experiences, anesthetics, upward movement, and approval from all those fine folk around you.

But that’s the problem isn’t it. That ever so strong push that seems to always be there, grates against an equal push from within that has other ideas, other dreams. But, when we’re young – 20s, 30s, even 40s or more – the pressure from those outside sources is so great that we struggle to stand up to assert our autonomy and follow the voices that rise up from within, calling us to lives of purpose, being, and connection to nature and people. We may have great ideas for how we want to change the world and really make a difference, but those damn voices are just so strong.

If a person has reached an age and level of success that they sort of “have it all”, they possibly also have the autonomy that comes with no longer being beholden to the voices and pressures anymore, because they’ve been quieted by the successes, by the more. But earlier in life, without that sense of agency, it’s much more difficult to honor the voice of the self that rises from within, not to mention just hear it. Those outside messages and arm-twisting they can bring are just that strong.

This is why Kushner’s book fell just a hair short for me, needing the infusion of my own discoveries to go with it. Because, at 20 years old I wasn’t self-possessed enough to be able to say, “F that!” to all the pressures and voices of people I loved and respected, and whose approval I sought and disappointment I feared, not yet. It would take several more years before I realized that the piece Kushner had left out was the power and weight of all those other people and voices, and what the heck to do about them.

Naming and Flushing

This is why the work of “naming the beast” is so important as the precursor to flushing out the voices and the pressures they bring inside you. If you’ve read my bestseller, There’s a Hole in My Love Cup, you have heard me talk about one of my mother’s favorite phrases, she a woman who had been doing spiritual counseling for decades, going way back to the 60s and even 50s. “Naming the beast is half the problem,” she would say, again and again.

In fact, that is the most critical piece of any healing and growth process, whether it is letting go of the ever-present quest for more or the healing from past trauma. When I get people coming to me, telling me they are stuck in their self-work or when I have a client who doesn’t want to go deeper and is resisting, it is invariably being driven by an inability or an unwillingness to identify and put words to the real, deepest issue that is operative in this situation. There is either something they can’t see or something they really, really don’t want to look at. Thus, my work is to help them see and say. Scary as that can be, there is almost nothing more liberating than the final awareness and articulation of deep and powerful truths.

This is the power of “naming the beast.”

When it comes to the work that Kushner calls us to, that of building a life of meaning and purpose, as well as being and connection, the naming of the beast entails:

- Listing all the people opposed to you following your own path

- Listing precisely what their objections are, one by one, by person, in one sentence or less

- Naming, as succinctly as possible, your fears if you don’t do what they want, one by one

- Naming, in one sentence or less, what their response will be when you don’t live your life their way

- Answering: will your life go on if you do not have their approval, acceptance, and support?

Now, on the flip side of that naming process is that of writing out:

1. What precisely are the Top 10 paths and purposes you would take with your life of greater meaning and substance if your life were actually your life?

2. What are the Top 3 fears associated with each of those 10 paths? Can you name each fear in one sentence or less?

3. What is the one primary feeling attached to each of those 10 paths/purposes for you?

It is so important to understand that in every more, in every purpose, in every time to ‘be’ you are always chasing not just an experience but more specifically a feeling that you attach to that experience. To truly reverse engineer your life means to articulate the feelings you most want to feel in life, then dream the paths and purposes most likely to bring you to those feelings you want to experience, rather than thinking of the paths you want to take or the experiences you want to have, first.

So, your final naming of the beast, for this month, is simply this:

What are the feelings you want to be building in life

(joy, liberation, exuberance, peace, aliveness)

vs

the feelings that you actually presently are chasing in life

(safety, fear-reduction, ego-gratification, achievement)?

…or maybe it’s something else.

Please feel free to check out my free online moderated community, Badass Counseling Group, on Facebook. But, if you long for a closer community that’s more committed to next-level growth, direct access to me — Sven, and more excellent resources for transformation to greater ALIVENESS, go to www.badasscounseling.com and click on CMTY-PLUS! It’s what you’ve been waiting for!

Thanks for reading.

HAVE A KICKASS DAY!

-- Sven Erlandson, MDiv, Is The Author Of Seven Books, Including 'Badass Jesus: The Serious Athlete And A Life Of Noble Purpose' And 'I Steal Wives: A Serial Adulterer Reveals The REAL Reasons More And More Happily Married Women Are Cheating.' He Has Been Called The Father Of The Spiritual But Not Religious Movement After His Seminal Book 'Spiritual But Not Religious' Came Out 15 Years Ago, Long Before The Phrase Became Part Of Common Parlance And Even Longer Before The Movement Hit Critical Mass. He Is Former Military, Clergy, And NCAA Head Coach For Strength And Conditioning; And Has A Global Counseling/Consulting Practice with offices In NYC, NJ, And Stamford, CT: BadassCounseling.Com