Love-Bombing and Important Dating Small Things

One of the newer words to work its way into common parlance, at least vis-à-vis dating and relationships, is “love-bombing”, wherein a person you’re dating showers you with attention, gifts, kind words, affection, and everything you thought you ever wanted, building a strong emotional bond in you. You become convinced you’ve finally – FINALLY! – found the person you’ve been looking for your whole life. You don’t just fall. You fall hard!

But then, either quickly or slowly, more often slowly, they pull it out from under you, turning into the very monster, bum, or jerk you thought you had finally gotten past in life, who uses manipulation or control to take from you to, more and more, give to them. Before long, you find yourself right back where you have always been – miserable, longing for their nice side, wondering how you got here and why life hates you so much.

As a result of this understanding of love-bombing, a whole lot of people, nowadays, have become exceedingly cautious, even skeptical when dating a person who is very kind and loving, not to mention giving. The very things that used to be seen as good are now seen as red flags because of this new love-bombing neurosis. So, there’s yet one more fear gripping people as they move through the dating experience, often to the point of near-paralysis.

But, here’s the thing.

Love-bombing can only be seen after the fact, in retrospect.

In the beginning, during the affection, praise, attention part, love-bombing technically doesn’t exist. If you really think about it, the very definition of love-bombing isn’t the affection, gifts, attention, and kind words that create the strong emotional bond. That, in and of itself, is nothing more than affection, gifts, attention, and kind words; quite benign, in and of themselves.

In order for there to be love-bombing there has to be the other part, too, the transition to manipulation and control, which yields extreme taking/giving. Without the transition, there’s no love-bombing. That means that when the praise, gifts, affection, and attention are going on, you quite simply, have no way of knowing whether or not it is love-bombing. There is no way to know in advance of the first sign of that transition. Even after someone does something other than love-bombing, that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s becoming love-bombing, as love-bombing is a pattern of taking and control that follows a pattern of giving and bonding. Without both of those patterns firmly established, or visible, it’s not love-bombing. This means that if you’re living in a heightened fear of the transition to manipulation and control, you’re robbing yourself of the very experience you’ve been most wanting, or at least one aspect of it – the wonderful beginning phases of a long and prosperous relationship.

And, of course, past pain is what’s driving this near-paralyzing, joy-sucking fear. Thus, once again, your unhealed pain from the past is robbing your present of the very joy you most seek. Oh hell, the bitter irony!

That raises the very natural, logical question: How would doing the supposedly helpful healing work change the love-bombing, or potential love-bombing experience? I mean, the love-bomber is still a love-bomber, right? You’re still screwed either way, aren’t you?

Why Spiderman Never Got Love-bombed

One of my all-time favorite shows, as a kid in the 70s, was the live-action series Spiderman with Peter Parker played by an actor from my, even then, all-time favorite movie, The Sound of Music. All of this has nothing to do with anything, except that Spiderman had spidey senses, the ability to sense, feel, or strongly intuit when things were happening or even about to happen. That’s all. And, well, presumably, Spiderman would’ve never been love-bombed, because his spidey-senses would’ve picked up on that sh*t in two seconds, once it started to happen. He wouldn’t have overlooked it. He would’ve seen it and tuned in, zoned in, and stayed focused, no matter what other feelings he had.

The thing that sets apart the person who has done the truly deep, ugly, scary healing work of facing, naming, and extracting the childhood pain, fears, and BS beliefs they’ve been taught about themselves is that they have spidey sense, very strong intuition AND, AND, AND, even more importantly, they not only trust it but they act on it immediately and fearlessly, when it’s small, almost unnoticeable.

When you’ve done the deep work to heal your inner child

you become, in a way, like Spiderman.

For the first time in your life, you sense the small things you feel,

such as when things feel off or don’t quite feel good.

But also, like Spiderman, you see or sense things in advance, in a way,

because you remember that this small thing you’re experiencing now

led to medium and large bad things, in the past.

So, like Spiderman, you trust that sense and the memory, and you act on it now.

It's so terribly important that you get this. The more you do the facing, naming, and flushing of that way past stuff (the childhood stuff), the less you have to live in fear, because your spidey sense, your intuition picks up those pings on the sonar so easily, and you lose the fear of acting on them, because you’ve already faced far greater fears in slaying those dragons of your past inside you. Further, you’ve learned well from your less-distant past – i.e. the relationships and career setbacks – the price of not trusting those pings on the sonar where something feels slightly off. You know the hell that’s coming if you don’t trust yourself.

As you more and more trust your intuition, you don’t have to wait for things to turn into a full-blown sh*tshow replete with flying monkeys, before you finally take action. As you do the work more, next time you catch it when the circus is just starting and the monkeys are on the launch pad, but not actually fully flying, yet. Then, doing more of the deep and ugly work, next time you trust and act on the intuition when the signs for the arrival of the circus are just being wheatpasted across town. Then, next time, having done even more of the work, you note the first and second pings on the radar, and you speak up, no longer afraid, no longer backing down because of BS voices going on inside you.

That’s when the whole game changes, not just when it comes to dating, but life itself. The anxiety and fear get drained from both. You no longer fear love-bombing or being left, because you know if someone changes, or a pattern stops, or simply if something happens that doesn’t feel good, you’ll catch it. It’ll effortlessly show up on the sonar of spidey senses, and you’ll listen, this time and every time henceforth. You’ll listen and you’ll act when something doesn’t feel good. It’s that simple.

Because of that, love-bombing no longer exists as a possibility in your life, because the transition can never happen. Why? Because you see, sense, feel, taste, touch, smell, hear, and simply know when things don’t feel good. It’s that simple. You’ve long stopped believing that how you feel is irrelevant and that your inner voice ought not be trusted. In fact, all you do is trust your voice. And, it leads you beside still waters, always. There’s never a reason not to trust it.

That means you can get fully caught up in the joy of being given to, treated well, listened to, doted on, and falling in love while simultaneously tuned into, fully seeing, and willing to immediately act on deviations from patterns or anything, at all, that simply doesn’t feel good. Think about that. For, that is the difference between those who have and haven’t done ‘the work,’ between those who are vulnerable to love-bombing and those who aren’t. Those who’ve done the totality of the work can enjoy the totality of any experience while simultaneously being receptive to, noting, and acting on anything that doesn’t feel good. Also, the hopes and dreams that can accompany good happening, do not stop this person from stopping the presses, so to speak, to address when they’re being treated poorly or when something has been done that needs attention.

The Importance of Small Things when All You Want to See are the Big Things

A very common refrain I hear from people, particularly women, in long term relationships that have become bad or where the woman is very sad, beaten down, or just lost is, “I used to be so much stronger, when I was younger,” or “I want to go back to who I was in my 20s. I want to get that girl back,” or “I don’t know what happened. I just lost myself.”

There is this sense that they can feel and see a higher, stronger, better version of themselves that they were actually living when younger. There’s a concomitant longing to get that back.

Now, I know that is more a result of how beaten down they are now than the fact that they had some grand understanding of who they were, back in their 20s. They think they did, but they didn’t. They’ve been so laid low by life, since then, that that self, back then, sure looks stronger and more real than the one they’re living now.

Whether from where they’re sitting or where I am sitting, the obvious part is the noticeable distance from how much better they felt and how crummy they feel now. About life, about themselves, about their relationship, about their career, about hope, about the future, about anything, about everything. The point is the profound distance between then and now. They see it; I see it.

Maybe now they complain of being married to a narcissistic, gaslighting, lazy ass. Maybe they’ve put on 60 pounds and can’t stand to look in the mirror, and they know it’s directly tied to all that has happened in their life, especially their relationship. Maybe the kids are being used to meet their spouse’s needs for attention or the spouse, or stepparent, is a jerk to the kids, and my client knows they themselves are allowing it. It could be any number of things.

Little Things Become Big Things...Always, Always, Always

What makes dating so difficult that we don’t realize, really, when we’re dating, is that small things always become big things. Whatever we allow to happen in a fledgling relationship will very often, or basically always, continue or outright grow. This is especially true of undesirable aspects. Anything that doesn’t feel good, feels disrespectful, or hurts that is allowed, after one time, has an increased likelihood of happening a second time. Whether it is:

-       A forgotten or dropped apology

-       Not showing up when promised and without explanation

-       Not accepting responsibility for harm caused, especially when small

-       Self-absorption

-       Checking-out/Silence unexplained

-       Rudeness

-       Distance

-       Taking advantage of

-       Taking for granted

-       Gaslighting

-       Breadcrumbing

-       Grayrocking

On and on the list can go. But the fundamental thread is that it is something that doesn’t feel good to you that is small, at the start. It is something that maybe, is so small that any other person could pass it off as barely noticeable, but somewhere in you, you do notice it. It does show up as a ping on the sonar of your intuition. Pings are Red Flags. And, your inclination has always been to blow them off, precisely because they are small. And, this is the problem.

The very curse of long-term relationships are phrases we tell ourselves, or allow others to tell us, such as:

-       Ah, it’s no big deal.

-       We have such good chemistry, though.

-       I’m sure it’ll go away.

-       We’ve come so far, at this point.

-       I can change him.

-       I’m sure she doesn’t mean it.

-       Yeah, but she’s so hot.

-       But, he’s so successful (or makes me laugh).

-       It’s a one-off.

-       In the big scheme of things does it really matter?

-       I’ll deal with it later, if it happens again.

-       It’s not like I’m perfect. So, who am I to say anything about that?

-       We just got married; I can’t bring this up now. I gotta stuff this down.

-       I can handle it. Mom was that way, too.

-       He didn’t mean it.

On and on the list of rationalizations goes, excusing the bad behavior, always deeply rooted in hope, not fact or reality. Because the sad truth is that dating is like bringing home a puppy; they’re damn cute, but if you do not carry them outside every single time they start to urinate indoors, you are teaching them it’s okay to go to the bathroom indoors, because you’re sending mixed messages, or even no message at all that this behavior is unacceptable. If you don’t nip the problem in the proverbial bud, this thing that is small will become big, creating far, far greater problems.

It is extremely important that you understand that partners/spouses/lovers do not start out with a punch in the face. The abuse or bad behavior does not ever begin as screaming or insane putdowns. It never starts there. It always, always starts small, as a testing of the waters. And, little things become big things. They always do. Pings on the sonar, left unchecked and uncorrected, become the opening volley of the smallest variety, almost undetectable…almost. But, if allowed once, then it gives the person permission to do it a second time. And, if you allow it once, it becomes more difficult to call it out the second time it happens, because the other party can think or say, “Wait, you didn’t say anything about this last time.” Thus, if allowed that second time, you’ve now got a pattern that, in a few years, will have become so much bigger and common that you’ll hate it and wonder where this person came from, even though the origins are easily chartable. It will become seemingly impossible to address.

This is also why, when I trace the genealogy, so to speak, of a relationship’s problems with a client, often it will track back many years for them, for example, “Everything started right after the wedding,” as in that’s when the abuse started, or the change in sex patterns, or that’s when the temper began, or what have you. But if we really, really dig down, we see that the smaller indicators (pings) were there long before the “I do’s.” Realizations like this are when it becomes very troubling for the client. Or, that might be something they don’t want to admit, because that means they allowed something, implying some measure of complicity in the equation.

What then happens, over time, as these small bad behaviors become patterns and grow, the person allowing them recedes into greater silence of the soul, greater loss of self, greater weakness, greater unhappiness, and greater unrest and nothingness inside.

Now you can understand the complaints of the person earlier saying, “I used to be so much stronger” and “I want to find my old self.” Whatever version of themselves they were back then, even if it was the self they were conditioned to be, since childhood, it likely still felt a whole helluva lot better than what they’re feeling right now, because they’ve abdicated so much power and, worse, so much of who they are. And, it’s killing ‘em.

Thus, it’s so important in the dating process that little things be nipped by addressing them, stating that they hurt or will not be allowed. Apologies must be required. You’re training a puppy. You’re teaching someone how to treat you. If you allow bad treatment, you are flat out stating to this person without saying the actual words, “It’s okay to treat me like crap. I’m not worth standing up for.” People will then live down to the level you demand them to. That sounds harsh or tough, but it’s simply fact. If you don’t stand up for you, ain’t nobody else going to. What you allow will metastasize. The cancer will grow. You have to understand that.

Learn from the salty old dogs in the comment threads on my social vids. Nearly all realize that it started when young. Or, if they had a relationship start in their 40’s or 50’s, the problems still always start small. If you haven’t done the work to heal, it can bite you just as hard in the ass in your 50’s as it could in your 20’s.

So, what is ‘the work’?

If pings on the sonar are your intuition speaking and you either aren’t feeling them or are ignoring them, that means you’ve got other voices inside you, blocking you. The work that is mandatory, then, is going inside to flush out all of the pain, fears, and BS beliefs you’ve been taught about yourself, which is precisely the work of my bestseller, “There’s a Hole in My Love Cup,” and my most recent daily inspirational book, “BADASS WISDOM”. It’s to remove all of the voices and messages embedded in you that stop you from being the authentic you, moment to moment, especially in those times of relationship formulation when your sonar is talking, and things are going great.

It's time to do the work.

So, what are the aspects of your self-healing that you’ve not addressed yet? Or, perhaps, do you keep putting off the whole process? Do you see the price it costs you in doing so? When do you tire of living a life that is not fully healed?

Please feel free to check out my free online moderated community, Badass Counseling Group, on Facebook. But, if you long for a closer community that’s more committed to next-level growth, direct access to me — Sven, and more excellent resources for transformation to greater ALIVENESS, go to www.badasscounseling.com and click on CMTY-PLUS! It’s what you’ve been waiting for!

Thanks for reading.

HAVE A KICKASS DAY!

-- Sven Erlandson, MDiv, Is The Author Of Seven Books, Including 'Badass Jesus: The Serious Athlete And A Life Of Noble Purpose' And 'I Steal Wives: A Serial Adulterer Reveals The REAL Reasons More And More Happily Married Women Are Cheating.' He Has Been Called The Father Of The Spiritual But Not Religious Movement After His Seminal Book 'Spiritual But Not Religious' Came Out 15 Years Ago, Long Before The Phrase Became Part Of Common Parlance And Even Longer Before The Movement Hit Critical Mass. He Is Former Military, Clergy, And NCAA Head Coach For Strength And Conditioning; And Has A Global Counseling/Consulting Practice with offices In NYC, NJ, And Stamford, CT: BadassCounseling.Com